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Last night I hosted my book club. We discussed Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety by Judith Warner. It was the best conversation that we’ve ever had. Not everyone liked or agreed with the book, but that just added spice to the discussion, which included such snippets as:

“I felt depressed reading the book because I realized this was my life.”

“Reading this book made me realize that I have lost more of myself with each child.”

Most of the criticisms of the book had to do with Warner’s reporting on the history of parenting experts throughout the twentieth century. Some of the women in our group felt that Ms. Warner didn’t have the background to write this section (one person commented that she could imagine her in a library looking at microfiche) and another felt that it was oversimplified and too much of a generalization. One person made the point that mothers in the past would have had many different parenting styles as they do now.

I was surprised at the reaction because, for me, it was the most empowering section. It made me realize that one of the reasons I parent the way I do is because of a fear of messing my children up. I suspect I’m not alone. I mean, isn’t that what therapists and psych experts all tell us: that our lives could have been better if only our mothers had done X, Y or Z? As a mother now, I am trying to fill that XYZ need. Reading the history of “conventional wisdom of motherhood” made me realize that no matter what I do my children are going to have some complaint in twenty years that they will be paying someone 200 dollars an hour to analyze.

Of course now, fathers can also get in on this guilt act according to a new book, The Father Factor by Stephen Poulter. His thesis is that our fathers’ parenting styles affect the type of employees we become. He has a quiz to identify which of the five types of fathers you had and how to counter the bad effects of the style.

Somehow I doubt that this book will be followed by Pure Insanity: Fatherhood in the Age of Anxiety.

I’m looking forward to next month when my book group will discuss the book The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros.

--Kelly